Ringing the Devil’s doorbell
That’s what you do when you masturbate according to Fappy The Humper
Ok, this was waaaay too good to pass up and I though since it’s Monday (why does everyone fear Mondays so much???) everybody could use a good laugh and relieve some tension until you can get away, find some privacy, grab your lube and REALLY relieve the tension by ringing the Devil’s doorbell with your next sinful masturbation session.
This morning I had a revelation. Satan paid Me a visit and gave His blessings to start My own government funded organization “Start Masturbating Now!” Nope, I didn’t lose My ever loving mind somewhere, it was a natural response to reading through one of the most ridiculous religious group’s website that screams “Stop Masturbation Now!” First I had to mop up My morning tea from My keyboard, of course, before I could pay attention to that Devil on My shoulder urging Me to “do it! Start your own organization! You already have a huge following! You can be Satan’s Spokesperson and guarantee Yourself fame and riches. And the BEST spot in Hell where you can be the Queen of Masturbation Encouragement for Eternity!!!”
Don’t you just love when you get these kind of revelations first thing Monday morning while you’re innocently minding your business, trying to wake up and lazily scroll through your Facebook feed to see if anything even remotely interesting has popped up over night besides pictures of food plates that people for some reason have to share with the entire world wide web as you indulge in every meal of the day (what’s with that anyway?) or disgrunted memes about government not doing its job (they ALL must have lost gray matter due to masturbation!) and other garden variety of BS? And here I thought this would be one of those ordinary Mondays for Me until… A headline caught My attention:
Christian Anti-Masturbation’s Mascot “Fappy” Arrested For Public Masturbation While Swimming Naked With The Dolphins At Sea World In San Diego
I made such a sticky mess on My desk reading this article! All that milky colored creamy liquid spilled over My keyboard. Ugh, I should have known better than to try and sip My scolding and so delicious morning tea reading it. But, as I am a Sinner (yes I confess to being one) and I never pass up ringing the Devil’s doorbell when I get a chance Myself (yup, I just confessed again, Queen Luna masturbates!) I kept reading on. Oh I went even further, after I picked Myself up from the floor because I was laughing hysterically, and checked out the website of this anti-masturbation movement.
This is where Satan started whispering in My ear, btw, that sly Devil always up to no good and pounces when you’re distracted reading in a daze some of the biggest bullshit hogwash I’ve ever encountered. And I was raised in Soviet Union and read their Atheist’s Bible!!! That’s quite a lot of bullshit, if you ask Me, and not everyday you can honestly say you’ve seen matching or more bullshit than that.
The Unholy message that I received was that I too can be a Savior just like that Lonnie person who has taken on the mission of spreading the Gob’s word (no I didn’t mean God) and promises to save your soul by praying for you, or against you if you’re a masturbator (yup, go look at the comments on their website, they have praying hands “for” and “against”) and preaching of the horrific consequences of masturbation such as:
Masturbation is a gateway drug to rape. It also leads to sexual dysfunction, erodes family values, and is a top ten cause of disease.
– Lonnie Childs
Also, if you are a follower of this Lonnie person, you won’t turn into a zombie, will save chickens, create more soldiers for Jesus instead of wasting your seed, you will lose weight, will be able to see a red dot on a purple meme, won’t be dumped by your partner, will become an Alpha, your brain won’t deteriorate, you won’t turn into a serial killer like Jeffery Dahmer, will know the natural order of the household (I think they borrowed that one from the 50’s), you won’t turn gay, get the approval of Mr. T, won’t be denied birthday presents, oh and your penis won’t fall off if you stop masturbating right away! Oh and according to Fappy, the spokesperson/mascot, who has as turns out 3 previous arrests for public masturbation, you, the masturbators, are playing in Devil’s playground and ringing the Devil’s doorbell.
So naturally, Satan was offended and came to Me this morning with a message that I should start My own movement and encourage people to masturbate more because masturbation is good for your immunity system, prevents colon cancer, helps you sleep, relieves Restless Legs Syndrome, prevents Erectile Dysfunction, makes for better sex, releases tension and stress, fights depression, manages rapid or delayed ejaculation, and while it might not help your penis get bigger, it surely won’t make it fall off, but you will definitely enhance your sex life, will have a better and deeper knowledge of yourself and your body, will experience pleasure which has been clinically proven to contribute to your mental and physical health improvement.
Oh, wait. I’m already a Spokesperson for Masturbation! Silly Satan, where has He been these past 8 years??? I do have a huge Empire already with My masturbating puppets playing in the Devil’s playground all over the world! And My videos are much better than Fappy’s too and bring valuable insight, inspiration and joy to My followers. So what if I won’t get the government to fund My important work, I will be forever immortalized as the Queen of Masturbation Encouragement for Eternity and the glory will be all MINE!
What are you waiting for, puppets? Follow your Queen into the battle and slay those masturbation haters with your stiff swords and cries of victorious pleasure!!! Let the masturbation live and masturbators be loud as they are ringing the Devil’s doorbell with each satisfied orgasm!
P.S. you may find Me on Niteflirt under the names of Queen of The Night and Sinfully Twisted. All of My videos, photos and mp3’s are created for your health benefits and better masturbation experience and are for entertaining purposes only.
P.P.S. I would like to recommend a similar glove design as found on that ridiculous website for My pain sluts. Spikes can make it spicy!